Life Has Me Reeling

I've been reeling lately. There is an awful lot going on and little if any of it is "good." Since my mother's diagnosis with ovarian cancer in October (her last chemo was 3/1 - she's doing really well), I've been dealing with a family who has been hurtful in many, many ways - attacking me in ways I never saw coming (and that may be coming from a biased viewpoint but I could back it up if I was interested in sharing details), a son who has strayed back into his old habits and is choosing to make a mess out of his life, a husband who has been laid off from his job and what feels a bit like a domino effect in friends and acquaintances getting divorced.

It really feels like I'm watching a boxing match on TV only I'm one of the people in the ring - I have no defense and the punches keep coming from all directions. I can't see who is throwing those punches and I'm not sure how many more I can take before going down. That bugs me.

Truth is - I know Jesus is the same today as He was yesterday. I know He's going to be the same tomorrow. I trust that none of this has been a surprise to Him, I trust that He knows the plans He has for me and I can't see the whole picture. I don't know the outcome - He does and it is the best for me. I get up every day trusting Him and trusting that. I also know I can't control other people. If other people make poor choices or are cowardly or hurtful, I can't stop them, I can only react to them and I don't want to react in sin. That has to be one of the toughest things going!! I'm not a passive kind of person. I get fighting mad in seconds and what comes out of my mouth is often the kind of stuff that should have never been said.

Each day, I feel like I'm letting my joy go and I might have just let it float far enough away I can't catch it. As if it is a balloon I'm holding and someone forgot to tie it to my wrist. It's all silly - I know my joy comes from God, not from circumstances. I know how I should react and that I need to keep in constant prayer. I think I've just wandered a bit too far out onto those wobbly rocks and have removed my feet from that solid ground on which I know I can rely. I've put too much of "me" into my life and not enough of "Him."

What else can I possibly do to remind myself of the truth I know? Today is the kind of day when I wish I was more like Jesus - not tied to a 9-5 type of job, stuck at a desk. Today is the kind of day I need to go far, far away and pray. Pray. Pray. Pray.

What are the chances I get to do that? What do you do when you need to get away but the opportunity just isn't there and the five minutes alone in your bedroom doesn't do it anymore?

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