I've been thinking a lot recently about how purposeful my life has not been. It's been relatively aimless through the years. Except for raising my son as a single mom, I didn't really give too much thought to what I was doing with my life.
The last few years have brought new opportunity, new direction in combatting human trafficking and working with the homeless but I still have this sense of drifting - not really certain of what I'm doing or what I want to do.
A few weeks ago, my husband and I started taking a class through our church. It's called Changing Hearts, Changing Lives and its focus is Biblical counseling. I have often thought I'd make a fairly decent counselor - as long as I remembered to listen more than I talk. That can be difficult for me sometimes but it's getting easier as I get older.
I am trying to live my life more deliberately. I'm trying to live it based upon my faith and I still struggle with that - oh so desperately do I struggle. I'm trying to wake up each morning, asking God to show me what to do with my day and then putting one foot in front of the other doing it. My quiet time has been more listening than talking, more reading than requesting.
This blog is meant as an online journal to record all of that. Just - a place for me to write my thoughts and feelings. My logic may end up skewed for a bit (it does often - God usually brings me around, though) so if you read something here and it makes no sense or seems horribly wrong don't worry. Wait a week or two. I'll probably clarify it somehow.
Tonight I read a post about churches who charge for Vacation Bible School. I don't know if our church is charging this year or not. I don't believe it is. We did last year but I think there was something that happened - a problem with the curriculum somehow - and the church felt trapped. We didn't force anyone to pay and there were a lot of scholarships available (I paid for my own son and a scholarship). That was why, though, we wrote our own curriculum for this year - so we wouldn't be caught with unexpected copyright fees. Was our church right to charge? I don't know. I know it didn't phase me but I didn't really stop to think about it, either. The post I read presents some incredible arguments against charging. Another incident of my not really knowing where I stand on something, not quite sure what to think. I'm still sorting through all of it and I guess I'll just have to wait until it's settled in my mind.
What I'm getting at - as I ramble through this post - is I hope to figure out a way to write on this blog that actually dives a bit into who I am. I don't really like to do that all that much. If something seems to be getting too close, digging in too deep or requiring me to feel more than just a few seconds of discomfort, I move on, I avoid it, I end the process as quickly as possible. I'm hoping that stop doing that. I want to figure out what it is that I really, truly believe. What are my principles and why? Maybe more the why than the what.
Ultimately - I want to start asking - what does the Bible say about that? Then I want to document it and I'll probably use this as one way of doing that. I'm going to go back to keeping a written journal, too because as wonderful (and fast!) as it is to type out what I'm thinking, writing it with my own hand seems to cement it in my head, makes it easier to recall.
Here's hoping I don't make too big of a fool of myself...