A Thought Is Born

Yesterday, in my Thankful Thursday post, I gave thanks to God for my husband and wrote "I am still amazed God chose him for me." That line gave food for thought to one of the ladies commenting on my post and well, after she mentioned it, spurred me down memory lane.

Why do I know God chose my husband for me? I had been a single mom for almost 18 years. Yes, I'd dated. A few long-term relationships and even a couple of proposals but nothing that was ever going to "go the distance." After a particularly difficult break-up, I found myself 35 years old, alone and wondering just what was I going to do. I was miserable. A certain Friday night in July, I sat on my couch in tears - crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I had no plans for the entire weekend, it stretched out in front of me looking as long as a month. I was alone - my own son didn't want to live under the same roof with me. As I cried and cried (feeling sorry for myself, you know), I started asking myself (so I thought) - out loud - "What am I going to do? What am I going to do?" In that watery, snotty, self-pitying mess I heard a soft but firm and kind voice "Come back to me."

Now...I don't want you to get the idea that I hear voices or that God speaks to me audibly on a regular basis (although - if He did - How cool would THAT be????) but that one time in my life... I call that period my "two inches from crazy" time. That break-up was a lot harder than almost anyone who knew me realized, I think. It was, truly, the only time in my life that the only thing that kept me going was knowing that if I took my own life, my son would hurt more than I could bear to consider. That was all I felt I had left but Thank God He didn't leave me thinking that.

At first I didn't really believe I'd heard what I thought I'd heard but He whispered it again. "Come back to me." So - I called a friend of mine, a dear, wonderful been-friends-for-almost-forever friend and asked her if I could go to church with her that Sunday.

As a sidenote? I learned the other day that I am on one of the first few
pages of her prayer journal (one she's had almost 10 years now). I have a
smiley face next to her prayer for me now... I have accepted Christ as my
Lord and Saviour. It was her prayer for me. God and His timing...

That first Sunday was a new beginning for me. God lit me up and I can't explain it any other way. He filled me with His love, showing me over and over again that I had SO much more to live for, so much He wanted for - and from - me. No - I didn't go to perfect light right away and I still struggle with some of that dark time. Although... now? That struggle is not self-pity but more just regret - that it took me so long to see God for who He is. I do know it had to happen that way, God wants me to use all of what I've gone through. I see that opening before me almost on a daily basis. That twinge of regret, though, still surfaces on occasion. It's also not the only "dark" in my life. I still let things get to me and fall away from His Word, forget my prayer... You know - typical human stuff. However, He always, always, ALWAYS reminds me of that Friday on my couch, His whisper to me and I come running back to His arms.

However... this is becoming a novella and I am straying SO far from what I had originally intended to write. So... I think I'll end this here. Make it a two-part post and I'll write the rest of my story for another day. Why I still can't believe God chose my husband for me...