September is Coming

The other morning I was getting ready for work and a beautiful blog post poured itself out in my mind.  Ever have that happen?  You think of something that sounds amazing in your head and when you go to write it down it's gone?  Not just bits and pieces but every word - from the first to last - is just... gone.  That's what happened with this post.

It was a brilliant post, on how September 1 is just one week away and with it comes Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month.  It was full of beautiful words about the woman who was - and still very much is - so very important to me and my life and who was robbed of her old age by a disease that should not have won.  At least not according to the doctors...

However.  There is a however.  And since all of beautiful, eloquent words are gone, you get this:

It did rob her of her old age.  I know - it was with God's permission and it was time for her to go home to Him but - ovarian cancer arrived in our lives, loud, permeating and overbearing and before we felt like we had blinked, disappeared with my mother.  She was so beautiful.  So kind, loving, generous, caring, gentle, quiet, giving, compassionate....  Oh the adjectives could go on forever.

However.  (It seems to be a however kind of day...)

What I want to talk about here is ovarian cancer and I probably can't do that without lacing my mother through the sentences but as I try to post more over the next month, I want to start with this:

Most women, once diagnosed with ovarian cancer, do not survive the disease.  There is no annual test, no blood test that can be done.  Most of the time, women have symptoms for months and they don't think too much about it except that they have been, perhaps, more uncomfortable than usual.

For seven years before she was diagnosed, my mother went to doctor after doctor trying to figure out why her stomach was bloated and causing her so much pain.  They could find nothing.  Now - 7 years is a long time and I have yet to find someone who doesn't hesitantly say there is no way her disease would have been that quiet for so long but...they don't come right out and immediately say no.  They get a little nervous.  So - it just seems to me (and this is opinion right now - NOT scientific fact!) that they really don't know anywhere near enough about ovarian cancer.  They can't say no - it wasn't growing for that long, that it started slow and something, perhaps a hormonal change as my mother aged, kicked it into high gear...  They can't say.

What they can say is what I started to say - the symptoms are often small, seemingly insignificant.  Gas, bloated stomach, discomfort in the abdominal area, nausea...  Things you might dismiss because you're tired or it's flu season, or you ate Mexican last night.  But then you start to realize that you're gassy even though you haven't had Mexican food in two weeks and maybe this stomach ache isn't going to go away if you just get a good night's sleep...

I will start, before September by saying this - LISTEN to your body.  Sit down, pay attention to how you've been feeling and let your body talk to you.  If you start seeing patterns that aren't quite patterns or realize you've been feeling pretty lousy for a month or two, make an appointment.  Get a check up.  Talk to your doctor.  Your doctor would really rather see you and tell you that it's nothing than have to tell you you have cancer and it's so far advanced there isn't too much they can do.

By the way - those same doctors who couldn't say "no" to me when I asked if that tumor could be growing for 7 years?  They're the same ones who said to my mother as my sister & I sat with her in the room to hear the pathology report results after her hysterectomy and said she was Stage 1C and only C because the tumor had just ruptured before they operated and "If we can cure anyone, we can cure you."

That was 19 months before she died.

Ovarian cancer needs research, it needs to be looked at and taken seriously.  Breast cancer is serious, I get that but we focus SO much attention on breast cancer and totally ignore her most insidious sister.  Ovarian cancer kills more than it does not. 

By the way - the color given to Ovarian Cancer Awareness is teal.  My prayer is every time you see teal in the month of September it will make you think of Ovarian Cancer and perhaps lead you to looking into it, learning about it yourself.

And if you don't get in to see your doctor once a year - get in to see your doctor once a year.  Do that exam.  And listen to your body.

A Heart Loss for Seattle

Kathi Goertzen, longtime anchor for KOMO news, channel 4 here in Seattle, lost her battle yesterday with brain tumors.  Kathi was dearly loved by many of us who have watched her for decades.  She had been with KOMO for 30 years.  She was gracious, warm, kind, trustworthy, compassionate and an all around amazing human being.  She will be missed in ways we don't have words to express.  It is a physical ache, even for those of us who didn't know her personally.  How much it must hurt her friends and family is excruciating to imagine.

{via}

Health Issues & Heart Scares

We had a bit of a scare today. A hasn't felt well for a couple of days. He told me he didn't feel great but he didn't go into detail. Since I'm still battling the cold C2 brought home from Mexico, I thought that was what he meant.
Apparently I was wrong. This morning he casually mentions, as he's on his way to work, that if he isn't feeling better by tomorrow he thinks he'll go to the hospital.

The hospital. Not the doctor. The hospital. (I so love the stoicism men can have!!!!)

I didn't react in an immediate panic, I started asking questions and as he started listing off what he was feeling, I oh so calmly told him to get his butt to the doctor now. Don't go to work. Call the boss, tell her you'll be late and go.

Fortunately he was kind of getting the idea that's where I was going with it all when we were talking so he had already gotten off the freeway & was at our doctor's office when I said that. This cracked me up, too... He says to me... "What do I say? Do I walk in and ask if I can be seen because I'm having chest pains?" And well... ummmm... the calm might have cracked here a bit when I said "YES!!!!"

A bit of time goes by, maybe 1/2 an hour, and I get a call from his boss asking me how he is. I said I didn't know, I hadn't heard from him yet. And she says "So... his blood pressure was crazy high & they were doing an EKG and you haven't heard how that went?" And yes... he told HER, not ME...

I stood there for a few seconds and then started laughing and told her that she knew more than I did (and at the same time I'm turning off things in my office, locking the safe, getting out my keys...) and that I would call her as soon as I learned more.

As I'm driving to the doctor's office, I try to call him. No answer. So I know they haven't "set him free" or anything yet. He calls me as I am, literally, parking my car in the parking lot at the clinic. He asks me which pharmacy we use.

And I find I can breathe again.

Because if they're calling in a prescription, he isn't having a heart attack. But I'm probably going to kill him for telling his boss not me... :)

When I ask him what they found, he says he'll call me back in a few seconds. I tell him I'm in the parking lot. He squeaks out "here?" Yeah. Here. When you tell your boss and she tells me that your BP is sky high & they're doing an EKG, I get a bit concerned. And I don't want to have to cover that extra 1/2 hour if they're tossing your butt in an ambulance and driving it to the hospital.

I did a lot of talking with God on the way to the doctor but I found it interesting later that I didn't ask God to heal A, or keep A alive. I just asked Him to please give me the opportunity to tell him again that I love him and that he has been the best husband ever.

So...I did learn that while I would not be thrilled if God chose to call A home, I won't be pissed off, either. That was kind of nice.

It does seem, however, that it was not quite A's time. Esphogeal spasms. Apparently those suckers have symptoms that mimic a heart attack. A is on prescription Prilosec and is probably going to feel pretty lousy for another day or so but he has tomorrow off so he can rest and let the meds do their work.

As I reflect on the morning, in addition to knowing I won't be mad at God, I learned that I can handle some iffy news without panicking - at least not right away - and I also learned that A & I need to get super-serious super-fast about getting healthy.  We're only in our mid-40's.  God willing, we have a lot of living to do and days like today aren't anything I want to repeat too often.

Conversations

Last night I had dinner with friends and we got to talking about cleaning clutter out of our homes, donating things to Goodwill and how hard it is to part with stuff.  Even meaningless stuff.  It was a fun conversation but it did get me thinking.  One of the things I've realized is that ever since we were robbed, I have a tough time being away from things that mean something to me.  There has been so much loss since that day, it hit me that I am incredibly afraid of losing ANYTHING else and that includes stuff.

My mother's cross is one my grandmother gave her for Christmas several years ago.  I went shopping with my grandmother for that cross, helped her pick it out so there are many, many memories tied up in that cross.  It hit me last night - my big fear is someone stealing the rest of my memories.  I know, it sounds kind of silly but while reflecting, I thought about what was stolen from me and what jumped to mind immediately was that lock of hair that was from Chris #1's first haircut but in things that were "bought", my grandmother's cameo ring and the gold cross my mother bought for me.  There were other pieces - the circle of diamonds Aaron bought for me, my wedding band and other such stuff.  Each time I would look at those pieces, memories would come flooding in.  With my grandmother's cameo ring, I'd think of different trips to the shore, Sunday dinners, riding in their car to places like Longwood Gardens, the Baltimore Aquarium.  Everywhere I went as a child I was always short enough to be at hand level and on her hand was that ring. The stories are vast, the memories overwhelming.  With that ring gone, I still have memories but it feels like they have stopped with not being able to look at that ring.  It seems silly but when I start digging deeper into my motivation for things, I discover all sorts of habits and thought processes I'm not even aware I have.

Since October, 2010, we've been robbed, my husband's close friend/husband of my close friend has died, my mother has died and our dog has died.  Overwhelming loss and I've discovered that with each one, I have started to pull things a bit closer and am less willing to let things go. 

Now that I've realized this, though, I need to start the next part of that walk.  The part that settles my heart back down with the knowledge that God has not lost control.  He is still on His throne, the world is still going to go as He intends and nothing comes into my life or out of my life without His say so.  It's not going to happen today but as I sit down with His Word and pray to Him, listen for Him, I am praying my heart can put my "things" back to the importance they belong - none without His love, grace and mercy.  Without Jesus in my life, I have absolutely nothing - no matter how many things are sitting in my house or attached to my person.

Another avenue for my quiet time to explore...

Been A While

It's been a whirlwind month & a half.  First dealing with Mother's day, the anniversary of Mom's death left me spun around a bit.  Then, Memorial Day weekend came up and we spent four days pulling weeds, cleaning up the office and catching up on things we haven't been able to get to for quite some time.

Then, two weeks ago Max got sick.  Very sick.  Having blood drawn and x-rays done for a dog who is "elderly" for his breed is nerve-wracking enough but to have them come back inconclusive - or not come back before a weekend - makes for a downright nightmare.

We ended up doing an ultrasound for Max last Saturday, the 16th and it showed his spleen had flipped over and there was no blood flowing into it.  It would have to be removed or it would cause him great pain and to suffer an horrific death.  Add to that, bile in his blood and urine strongly indicated something was seriously wrong with his liver.  With those two combined, we decided to put Max to sleep.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done, the toughest decision I've ever made.  Thank God for Aaron because if I had to do that one alone, I'm not sure I'd have been able to walk out of the veterinary hospital.

Monday C2 leaves on a missions trip to Mexico.  One week to work at an orphanage with other middle schoolers from our church.  I think the Middle School Pastor is a saint.  All those 12-14 year old kids...  Noooooooo thank you!!  The chaperones going are much braver than I could ever be.

That about catches us up. 

Our Max

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is May 13th this year.  Two days before the anniversary of Mom's death.  Sunday, the 6th, is the anniversary of my "last good day" with my Mom last year.  It was a Friday.  I knew this month would be hard, I've been dreading it for a long time. 

I just didn't think it would be THIS hard.  Mother's Day.  I don't think I like it very much right now.  Every single time I turn around, someone is offering free printables online, cards, Hallmark...  EVERY moment reminds me my mother isn't here anymore.  She isn't here for me to talk to, buy gifts for, figure out ways to show her how much she means to me.

Grief for a believer really is selfish.  All I can think about is how it bothers ME that she's gone.  Even when I try to soften the blow, remind myself where she is and who she is with, I bring it back to me - I miss her.  I want to talk to her.  I want to hug her.  I want to - one more time - tell her how much I love her.  I want to ask her what to do about so many things...

Yup.  Grief for a believer is pretty selfish...

Doesn't matter.  I still miss my mother.  Achy miss her.  Physically painful miss her.

And it still stinks.

I don't much like Mother's Day.  Here's hoping it doesn't bother me quite so much next year..

Because Easter is Coming

Because I read both of these posts today and I don't ever want to forget the stories they hold.  Because Easter is coming and every year I look at it differently.  Because this is my first Easter without my mother and I don't know that I can walk through that day.  Because everything in my world has been upside down for almost a year and I'm finding nuggets where God reminds me it will be upright...some day.  Because that day may not come until Jesus returns, I don't want to lose perspective.

Because Jesus matters..

Bring the Rain:  Tree of Mystery

Ann Voskamp:  Why a Christian Family May Celebrate Passover