Last night I had dinner with friends and we got to talking about cleaning clutter out of our homes, donating things to Goodwill and how hard it is to part with stuff. Even meaningless stuff. It was a fun conversation but it did get me thinking. One of the things I've realized is that ever since we were robbed, I have a tough time being away from things that mean something to me. There has been so much loss since that day, it hit me that I am incredibly afraid of losing ANYTHING else and that includes stuff.
My mother's cross is one my grandmother gave her for Christmas several years ago. I went shopping with my grandmother for that cross, helped her pick it out so there are many, many memories tied up in that cross. It hit me last night - my big fear is someone stealing the rest of my memories. I know, it sounds kind of silly but while reflecting, I thought about what was stolen from me and what jumped to mind immediately was that lock of hair that was from Chris #1's first haircut but in things that were "bought", my grandmother's cameo ring and the gold cross my mother bought for me. There were other pieces - the circle of diamonds Aaron bought for me, my wedding band and other such stuff. Each time I would look at those pieces, memories would come flooding in. With my grandmother's cameo ring, I'd think of different trips to the shore, Sunday dinners, riding in their car to places like Longwood Gardens, the Baltimore Aquarium. Everywhere I went as a child I was always short enough to be at hand level and on her hand was that ring. The stories are vast, the memories overwhelming. With that ring gone, I still have memories but it feels like they have stopped with not being able to look at that ring. It seems silly but when I start digging deeper into my motivation for things, I discover all sorts of habits and thought processes I'm not even aware I have.
Since October, 2010, we've been robbed, my husband's close friend/husband of my close friend has died, my mother has died and our dog has died. Overwhelming loss and I've discovered that with each one, I have started to pull things a bit closer and am less willing to let things go.
Now that I've realized this, though, I need to start the next part of that walk. The part that settles my heart back down with the knowledge that God has not lost control. He is still on His throne, the world is still going to go as He intends and nothing comes into my life or out of my life without His say so. It's not going to happen today but as I sit down with His Word and pray to Him, listen for Him, I am praying my heart can put my "things" back to the importance they belong - none without His love, grace and mercy. Without Jesus in my life, I have absolutely nothing - no matter how many things are sitting in my house or attached to my person.
Another avenue for my quiet time to explore...