Christmas is Coming

One more full day of work, one weekend day and then... Christmas.  Our first without my mother and the difference that makes is palpable.  It has been pretty overwhelming.  So many things I've wanted to call her to share and I can't.  I talk to her quite a bit but that never really made too much sense to me.  I know that's an exercise to make me feel better so it doesn't work as well as it could, I guess.  She is definitely doing something infinitely better than fighting traffic around the mall this Christmas.  That does bring a great deal of peace and for that I am incredibly grateful.  The hardest part, probably, is this "secret" desire I have to be with her instead of here...  Don't get me wrong - I'm not suicidal but I do look around at all of what happens at this time of the year and I always ask the same question:  "Why do we do all that we do for one day a year that doesn't have anything to do with what we do?"

It strikes me - my traditions are off, my priorities out of whack.  Why DON'T I do a bunch of stuff for one day a year that DOES have something to do with said one day?  Every year I say I'm going to do an advent wreath and then... I don't.  Every year I say I'm going to give more time to the homeless and every year?  I don't.  I do the Spirit of Christmas luncheon at my church and that's traditionally been it.   This year my Lifegroup is also started serving at our church food bank two times a month so I'm doing that tonight (and served back on the 8th) but... that's still only scratching the surface of my plan.  It has always been my intention to think of something through the year, look into how I can implement it and go for it.  Still hasn't happened...

I did grave blankets this year.  That is probably what pushed me a bit over the edge.  Mom & I have done Nan's together for the last 5 years.  Then - this year I did Nan's.  And Mom's.  By myself.  All I could see what that last weekend with Mom.  WHEN will it end???

Admittedly, my last several posts have been a bit on the sad side.  Well...I am a bit on the sad side.  I wake up every morning hoping that knot has loosened enough to let me feel like me again.  So far, it has given me some wiggle room but it's always there - ready to tighten up and cut off my breathing without notice.  It makes motivation a difficult concept.  I have none.  I snap, I mutter, I forget EVERYTHING, I cry for no apparent reason... I can't stand listening to Christmas music and all of its chipperness this year.  Even "Do You Hear What I Hear" drives me crazy and c'mon...that's one of the best Christmas songs ever.  

I tried to watch White Christmas with Aaron the other night.  Almost threw something at the TV. 

You can tell me I'm depressed.  That may be true.  For the most part, though, I'm just a woman who has been smacked by a 2x4 a few times this year and I'm trying to figure out what it means to get up each morning and put one foot in front of the other.

Perhaps if I'm still this sad next year I should be worried...

Can you tell I won't be unhappy when Monday arrives?

My joy isn't reliant upon my circumstances.  I keep telling myself that.  I'm also doing everything I can to think on what is true, noble, righteous, good...  I keep telling myself that Mom is in heaven.  Heaven.  I shouldn't be sad - I should be thrilled for her.  And a good part of me is.  It's that warring selfish side I have to battle that is wearing me down, I think. 

January 1 is 10 days away.  Come January 1 I'm going to treat this blog like a journal.  I'm going to have up days and down days and I'm going to record my thoughts and feelings.  Some days it'll be word vomit.  Other days?  Nothing.  But I'm going to try to pour it all out, sort it all through and with God's help - come out of it knowing who the new me is. 

Could be an interesting ride...  Secrets could spill. 

Well.  It could happen...

Heartbroken...

How does one handle the death of a child?  How does one approach the parents?  What can I possibly say to people who are aching with a pain I can't even begin to imagine?  What do they need?   What does God want us to do for them?

Today I learned that friends of mine had to take their 8 year old daughter off of life support.  She had been diagnosed with ITP (idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura), a blood disorder in August.  A risk with ITP is blood clots.  She developed one, in her brain. 

Eight years old. 

Christmas will never be the same again for this family.  Life will never be the same again for this family.  What can a person do?  Say?  My heart is absolutely shattered and I can't begin to imagine what they are feeling. 

I can't even think to write. 

On My Mind Today

Woe to them
     because they have strayed from me!
Destruction to them,
     because they have rebelled against me!
I long to redeem them
     but they speak lies against me.
They do not cry out to me from their hearts
     but wail upon their beds.
They gather together for grain and new wine
     but turn away from me.
I trained them and strengthened them,
     but they plot evil against me.
They do not turn to the Most High;
     they are like a faulty bow.
Their leaders will fall by the sword
     because of their insolent words.

~Hosea 7:13-16a

Convicting Thought

I don't know if you Facebook or not or how often you look at your Facebook but lately it seems the big rage is to post a picture of a quote, or a joke or some other cartoon from various people.  Some of them are hilarious, others - not so much.

When I first started seeing these things pop up, posted by almost everyone I know (and a few of them re-posted by me, I admit), this one quote caught my attention and I've been thinking about it ever since:

What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?  (source:  voicesforlife.net)

It got me thinking:  How is that for a bit of conviction?  I thank God every day for all He has blessed me with but how often have I been specific? 

So, in the last couple of weeks, I've tried to be more concious not only of the blessings God has given me but how I thank Him for them.  I name them.  I stop when a new one appears and I thank Him immediately. 

I wonder where it will lead.

To Ponder Today...

We know that the law is good if one uses it properly. We also know that the law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers, for the sexually immoral, for those practicing homosexuality, for slave traders and liars and perjurers—and for whatever else is contrary to the sound doctrine that conforms to the gospel concerning the glory of the blessed God, which he entrusted to me.

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.

~1 Timothy 1:8-17

It occurs to me...

A friend & I were talking about haircuts and color the other day.  She had been talked into lightening up her hair the last time she was getting her hair cut because lightenend hair makes "older" women look younger... 

And she hates it.

So it got me thinking.  Exactly what makes someone an expert on changing the looks of someone else and making them look "better."

After all...

God made man on day 6.  AFTER He had created everything else.

He created every creature - on the earth, in the sea and in the air...  every color, every size and every shape.

And He never once consulted a man (or woman) to get their opinion.

Maybe, when we're sitting in a chair, we're consulting the wrong "expert."

Miracle Upon Miracle

Read this morning:  two week old infant pulled from the rubble in Turkey - alive.  Not only alive but later, at the hospital to which she was taken, declared healthy. AND...her mother and grandmother were also rescued, alive and well.

Remember the 4 month old baby rescued from the tsunami debris?  Read about her here.

I will probably never know why some survive and some do not but I will take hope from those who are found...  Hope.  Always, always hope!

Enjoy today's miracles.