One more full day of work, one weekend day and then... Christmas. Our first without my mother and the difference that makes is palpable. It has been pretty overwhelming. So many things I've wanted to call her to share and I can't. I talk to her quite a bit but that never really made too much sense to me. I know that's an exercise to make me feel better so it doesn't work as well as it could, I guess. She is definitely doing something infinitely better than fighting traffic around the mall this Christmas. That does bring a great deal of peace and for that I am incredibly grateful. The hardest part, probably, is this "secret" desire I have to be with her instead of here... Don't get me wrong - I'm not suicidal but I do look around at all of what happens at this time of the year and I always ask the same question: "Why do we do all that we do for one day a year that doesn't have anything to do with what we do?"
It strikes me - my traditions are off, my priorities out of whack. Why DON'T I do a bunch of stuff for one day a year that DOES have something to do with said one day? Every year I say I'm going to do an advent wreath and then... I don't. Every year I say I'm going to give more time to the homeless and every year? I don't. I do the Spirit of Christmas luncheon at my church and that's traditionally been it. This year my Lifegroup is also started serving at our church food bank two times a month so I'm doing that tonight (and served back on the 8th) but... that's still only scratching the surface of my plan. It has always been my intention to think of something through the year, look into how I can implement it and go for it. Still hasn't happened...
I did grave blankets this year. That is probably what pushed me a bit over the edge. Mom & I have done Nan's together for the last 5 years. Then - this year I did Nan's. And Mom's. By myself. All I could see what that last weekend with Mom. WHEN will it end???
Admittedly, my last several posts have been a bit on the sad side. Well...I am a bit on the sad side. I wake up every morning hoping that knot has loosened enough to let me feel like me again. So far, it has given me some wiggle room but it's always there - ready to tighten up and cut off my breathing without notice. It makes motivation a difficult concept. I have none. I snap, I mutter, I forget EVERYTHING, I cry for no apparent reason... I can't stand listening to Christmas music and all of its chipperness this year. Even "Do You Hear What I Hear" drives me crazy and c'mon...that's one of the best Christmas songs ever.
I tried to watch White Christmas with Aaron the other night. Almost threw something at the TV.
You can tell me I'm depressed. That may be true. For the most part, though, I'm just a woman who has been smacked by a 2x4 a few times this year and I'm trying to figure out what it means to get up each morning and put one foot in front of the other.
Perhaps if I'm still this sad next year I should be worried...
Can you tell I won't be unhappy when Monday arrives?
My joy isn't reliant upon my circumstances. I keep telling myself that. I'm also doing everything I can to think on what is true, noble, righteous, good... I keep telling myself that Mom is in heaven. Heaven. I shouldn't be sad - I should be thrilled for her. And a good part of me is. It's that warring selfish side I have to battle that is wearing me down, I think.
January 1 is 10 days away. Come January 1 I'm going to treat this blog like a journal. I'm going to have up days and down days and I'm going to record my thoughts and feelings. Some days it'll be word vomit. Other days? Nothing. But I'm going to try to pour it all out, sort it all through and with God's help - come out of it knowing who the new me is.
Could be an interesting ride... Secrets could spill.
Well. It could happen...