8.27.2010

It's My Rant And I'll Probably Cry A Bit

M
y attitude stinks quite a bit. Two years ago this month my sister & brother-in-law said and did some things that were the straws that broke the camel's back. We haven't spoken since although I have tried to approach them a few times about reconciling. They've dug in their heels and refuse to acknowledge me. It's hurtful but above that it's frustrating. I try to not think about them too much because they make me very angry. In their selfish stubborness, they've wreaked havoc on our family.

It hasn't been any better since Mom's cancer diagnosis back in October. If anything, it's gotten worse. My sister had her 3rd child on June 6th. I still haven't met her and have only seen one picture of her - briefly and because that picture has since disappeared, I'm pretty sure I wasn't supposed to see it in the first place.

It's all ugly. It's tempting to word vomit all over the place here and just spew my anger because I am furious over the situation they created, which didn't need to be created and could have been handled by one phone call my brother-in-law doesn't have the guts - or maybe it's the desire - to make...

I'm not so pretty on the inside, either. This isn't an attempt to "lighten" my ugly but on top of it all, to add injury to injury, she withholds her children from me. No pictures, no inclusion in birthdays, no invites to soccer games - nothing.

So much for not word vomiting.

Anyhow. What I actually wanted to write about was this last Tuesday afternoon. See...in all of this mess, I am really, really trying to figure out how to let go of the anger, how to actually lay it at the foot of the cross and not pick it back up. It's the not picking it back up where I fail.

But it's been next to impossible. The hurt wells up and the anger quickly follows.

Take Tuesday for example.

Mom's first round of chemo didn't work. At all. When she went back for her 1st 3 month check-up, her blood levels were elevated enough they ordered another CT scan. The CT scan revealed all sorts of little tumors in her abdominal/pelvic area. One of them is the size of a golf ball. It also looks like the cancer has settled on her colon. She has a clear cell ovarian cancer, a "surface" cancer and some of the cancer "flaked off" (yup - like dead skin), floated around in there, settled and started to grow.

Her cancer is resistant to the particular type of chemo they used in round one. Goody. They move on to another chemo.

Almost every time she has gone in, my sister has gone with her. Twice my sister-in-law went and then this last week I went. It's not exciting. We're there to chat with Mom, help the time pass, get her water, etc. She sits and the bags of poison empty.

What killed me, though, was the chemo nurse mentioning it wasn't my sister. No baby. Chatting with my mother about how cute the baby is, growing like a weed.

The chemo nurse knows my niece better than I do. She's almost 3 months old and I have not yet seen her.

And there I sit, in that chair, unable to say a word. Can't tell the nurse I haven't seen her. Don't want to upset my mother. My mother brushing me off afterwards with a roll of her eyes, a wave of her hand. It's not her problem. Somehow I'm supposed to fix it (forget the fact that I've tried a half dozen times and my sister ignores me) and it's my fault.

And I stay angry. And hurt.

People wonder why I want to end all contact with my family. It's because of moments like that. Moments where I have it shoved in my face one.more.time that my sister appears to mean more to my family than I do. They don't hold her accountable for what she's done but they don't mind leaving me out.

I'm running out of...whatever it is that keeps me from throwing things, screaming and yelling. I swallow the venom and it tastes like bile. I'm tired of swallowing it - I want it gone.

I wish I were eloquent, I wish I knew just the right words to say to diffuse it all. I wish I knew how to write it out without sounding so angry & upset. I also wish I could stop caring. Hasn't happened so far. Wishing doesn't work.

Back to that oh-so-official Oriental Trading calendar. Today is Global Forgiveness Day.

Maybe they'll read that somewhere. Maybe it'll trigger a conversation. A girl can dream...




Daily Drop Cap by Jessica Hische

2 comments:

Parsley said...

I understand. It's not easy to let go of the anger but eventually it can happen. For me, the pain is always there but the anger turned to pity for the people who were so unhappy to have created the bad situation in the first place. Good luck!

HeathahLee said...

Oh, Bonnie. I am crying right now for you. I know the pain you're facing. When forgiveness seems like it should be so easy, but then new offenses get thrown in your face constantly.

I have decided that I can't figure it out on my own, so I will be seeking professional counsel from a Christian counselor. I don't want my life to turn to bitterness, while the offender acts as if there is nothing wrong. I have to know how to let go. HAVE. TO.

Pray about getting help with it. You cannot let a root of bitterness settle in. It will take a hold of your heart and choke it, while not hurting the offenders at all.

I will pray for you, my friend.