Music Speaks

I don't believe in coincidence.  God has intention behind everything, He is in the details.  After all...if He isn't, why does the Book of Numbers exist?  Creation had order, it was to work together.  Every time God created something, He saw that it was "good."  It wasn't until sin entered the world that everything went a bit haywire.  Even in all of that, though, God still works things together for the good of those who love Him. 

 

Today I had a conversation that involved an off-handed comment that hurt.  Cut deep.  Opened old wounds, brought old anger bubbling to the surface.  It surprised me, actually - how fast it bubbled up, how desperately I wanted to scream, punch something...hurt the person who originally caused the hurt as bad as I was hurting at that moment.  Every time I think I have put my anger aside, actually forgiven the people who caused the hurt something happens to remind me that I haven't.  Not really.  I take possession of it as soon as I'm given an opportunity and I can't believe others don't feel the same. 

 

As I was driving, I started thinking of how I was going to handle this.  It's been going on far too long and I'm exhausted by it.  I'm tired of it having any type of control over me whatsoever.  The people who did this to me really aren't worth it...It would appear the only answer I have is to cut out of my life anyone who has any dealings with said people.  That would be the easiest answer.  The quickest "solve." 

 

And then this song starts to play... 

 

"Forgiveness" (by Matthew West)

It’s the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don’t deserve

It’s the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have just to say the word…

Forgiveness
Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It’s always anger’s own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It’s the whisper in your ear saying ‘Set It Free’

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

It’ll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it’s power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

 

And as I'm driving along I realize - God isn't messing around with me.  He's been gentle, kind and nudged me in the right direction.  It's time to do as He's asked me to do.  It's time because every single day I don't forgive those who have wronged me is a day I spend spitting in His face for His amazing gift to me.

 

I don't expect to have this solved immediately.  That much I do know and I don't think this is the first time I've even posted about this issue.  It keeps coming back.... But I have to stop ignoring it.  I have to give God the respect He deserves.  I can't treat Jesus' death on the cross as something that was done only for me.  I need to drop the selfishness, the anger, the self-absorption.  It's not going to be easy, that's for sure.  There is a part of me that is very proud of how strong my feelings are.

But...I love God more than I love myself.  He deserves my whole heart, not just those bits and pieces I think He deserves.  And it's time to forgive...to dump the black pieces in my heart.  To give those to  God and let Him clean them, mold them into what He wants them to be, not continuing to hold onto them.  Beauty from ashes, I pray...  beauty from ashes.