Health Issues & Heart Scares

We had a bit of a scare today. A hasn't felt well for a couple of days. He told me he didn't feel great but he didn't go into detail. Since I'm still battling the cold C2 brought home from Mexico, I thought that was what he meant.
Apparently I was wrong. This morning he casually mentions, as he's on his way to work, that if he isn't feeling better by tomorrow he thinks he'll go to the hospital.

The hospital. Not the doctor. The hospital. (I so love the stoicism men can have!!!!)

I didn't react in an immediate panic, I started asking questions and as he started listing off what he was feeling, I oh so calmly told him to get his butt to the doctor now. Don't go to work. Call the boss, tell her you'll be late and go.

Fortunately he was kind of getting the idea that's where I was going with it all when we were talking so he had already gotten off the freeway & was at our doctor's office when I said that. This cracked me up, too... He says to me... "What do I say? Do I walk in and ask if I can be seen because I'm having chest pains?" And well... ummmm... the calm might have cracked here a bit when I said "YES!!!!"

A bit of time goes by, maybe 1/2 an hour, and I get a call from his boss asking me how he is. I said I didn't know, I hadn't heard from him yet. And she says "So... his blood pressure was crazy high & they were doing an EKG and you haven't heard how that went?" And yes... he told HER, not ME...

I stood there for a few seconds and then started laughing and told her that she knew more than I did (and at the same time I'm turning off things in my office, locking the safe, getting out my keys...) and that I would call her as soon as I learned more.

As I'm driving to the doctor's office, I try to call him. No answer. So I know they haven't "set him free" or anything yet. He calls me as I am, literally, parking my car in the parking lot at the clinic. He asks me which pharmacy we use.

And I find I can breathe again.

Because if they're calling in a prescription, he isn't having a heart attack. But I'm probably going to kill him for telling his boss not me... :)

When I ask him what they found, he says he'll call me back in a few seconds. I tell him I'm in the parking lot. He squeaks out "here?" Yeah. Here. When you tell your boss and she tells me that your BP is sky high & they're doing an EKG, I get a bit concerned. And I don't want to have to cover that extra 1/2 hour if they're tossing your butt in an ambulance and driving it to the hospital.

I did a lot of talking with God on the way to the doctor but I found it interesting later that I didn't ask God to heal A, or keep A alive. I just asked Him to please give me the opportunity to tell him again that I love him and that he has been the best husband ever.

So...I did learn that while I would not be thrilled if God chose to call A home, I won't be pissed off, either. That was kind of nice.

It does seem, however, that it was not quite A's time. Esphogeal spasms. Apparently those suckers have symptoms that mimic a heart attack. A is on prescription Prilosec and is probably going to feel pretty lousy for another day or so but he has tomorrow off so he can rest and let the meds do their work.

As I reflect on the morning, in addition to knowing I won't be mad at God, I learned that I can handle some iffy news without panicking - at least not right away - and I also learned that A & I need to get super-serious super-fast about getting healthy.  We're only in our mid-40's.  God willing, we have a lot of living to do and days like today aren't anything I want to repeat too often.

Conversations

Last night I had dinner with friends and we got to talking about cleaning clutter out of our homes, donating things to Goodwill and how hard it is to part with stuff.  Even meaningless stuff.  It was a fun conversation but it did get me thinking.  One of the things I've realized is that ever since we were robbed, I have a tough time being away from things that mean something to me.  There has been so much loss since that day, it hit me that I am incredibly afraid of losing ANYTHING else and that includes stuff.

My mother's cross is one my grandmother gave her for Christmas several years ago.  I went shopping with my grandmother for that cross, helped her pick it out so there are many, many memories tied up in that cross.  It hit me last night - my big fear is someone stealing the rest of my memories.  I know, it sounds kind of silly but while reflecting, I thought about what was stolen from me and what jumped to mind immediately was that lock of hair that was from Chris #1's first haircut but in things that were "bought", my grandmother's cameo ring and the gold cross my mother bought for me.  There were other pieces - the circle of diamonds Aaron bought for me, my wedding band and other such stuff.  Each time I would look at those pieces, memories would come flooding in.  With my grandmother's cameo ring, I'd think of different trips to the shore, Sunday dinners, riding in their car to places like Longwood Gardens, the Baltimore Aquarium.  Everywhere I went as a child I was always short enough to be at hand level and on her hand was that ring. The stories are vast, the memories overwhelming.  With that ring gone, I still have memories but it feels like they have stopped with not being able to look at that ring.  It seems silly but when I start digging deeper into my motivation for things, I discover all sorts of habits and thought processes I'm not even aware I have.

Since October, 2010, we've been robbed, my husband's close friend/husband of my close friend has died, my mother has died and our dog has died.  Overwhelming loss and I've discovered that with each one, I have started to pull things a bit closer and am less willing to let things go. 

Now that I've realized this, though, I need to start the next part of that walk.  The part that settles my heart back down with the knowledge that God has not lost control.  He is still on His throne, the world is still going to go as He intends and nothing comes into my life or out of my life without His say so.  It's not going to happen today but as I sit down with His Word and pray to Him, listen for Him, I am praying my heart can put my "things" back to the importance they belong - none without His love, grace and mercy.  Without Jesus in my life, I have absolutely nothing - no matter how many things are sitting in my house or attached to my person.

Another avenue for my quiet time to explore...