My post today is going to be a bit of "all over the place." I can just feel it. I think I need it, though. Toss everything that's going on in my head all in one place and see what comes out of it. Hopefully something worth looking at. If not, I hope I can figure out how to dispose of it without setting off any kind of nuclear warning bells & whatnot.
See...I'm hurt. Hurting. Hurted. Yeah - I know - that's not a word but when children are 2 they don't know that and it makes sense. I've been hurted and while I try to pretend it's no big deal, it really is. I want to deal with it the way I should. I want to be a good Jesus following girl and handle my feelings and the people who have hurt me the way He would. The trouble is, that part of me is being shoved into the corner by that other me. The me that seeks justice, righteousness... vengeance... that looks like what I want it to look like.
That part of me is the part I need to leave out of this mixing bowl 'cause that'll ruin everything. It's why I generally pull away from people when they say or do things to me that hurt or I don't like. I have always heard if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. So I don't. I stop talking to the person who has hurt me. Sometimes for just a little while, an hour or so and sometimes for a long, long time. The most recent one (I started talking to again) was 17 years (without talking) and she and I have only started talking via Facebook.
So... how do I stop pulling away? Stop cutting people out of my life? Because honestly...there are only 6 billion + people on this planet. Every single one of them would hurt me at one time or another if given the chance. I don't necessarily mean on purpose. Truth is, though, no one is perfect and everyone will let you down at some point. I let myself down all the time...
In this instance, too, some of those who have hurt me I have tried to talk to and have been completely ignored. I keep telling myself I just need to leave it in God's hands, let Him figure it out and I know it. I do. Completely. Truth is, though, this pain is so big and so deep, I don't want to wait for Him. I really want it fixed. Now.
This isn't a new hurt, either. It's an old one. Really old. Like...this last "thing" on the list was the straw that broke the camel's back. So... what do you do with that stuff you really thought you'd let go but apparently hadn't? I love Lysa's term. Yup... someone kicked my slop bucket although this is a particular slop bucket. I compartmentalize my hurts & those who have hurted me. There is one labeled family, one labeled friends, one labeled husband, one labeled kids... You know the drill. It takes longer to fill each bucket but oh what a mess, especially if more than one goes over at the same time but... I digress.
Rhetorically speaking... what do I do? How do I let go of the hurt? Oh... and as for talking about it with the offending party... I have tried that. A few times. I've been ignored and actually more people have jumped into the "hurt Bonnie" fray (Which - when I started thinking about it - these people really like to do. Still haven't quite figured that one out.). Not sure they went there intentionally but they did and then compounded it when I brought it up. Instead of making it better, they inferred I had done something to deserve the hurt.
Trust me...I've been thinking about that one but I keep coming up empty. To explain that, I'd have to write out the entire situation and I get venemous when I start writing it out. I've sent off a couple of angry emails over it all (that whole no one will actually talk to me part) and I'm pretty sure they haven't made it any better.
So...I stay hurt. And mostly family-less. And I'm hurted. Really, really hurted.