I don't think there is anyone out there unfamiliar with back issues. At one point or another, we have probably all pulled something, pinched something or tweaked something in our back and we all know just how painful and debilitating it is.
On June 9th, I flipped my hair to wrap it in a towel after my shower. It is something I have done every single day for 30 years or more. This one time, though, I did it "just right" and I have been in overwhelming pain ever since. My legs have gone numb, I can't sit, I can't stand, I can't lay down... You know the drill.
Truth is, according to my MRI, my back isn't even badly damaged. Two disks show some slight damage and a third disk shows quite a bit of damage but not enough to be considered "horrible." Fortunately, I don't need surgery. Just - PT and whatever else the spine specialist I go to see tomorrow decides. The PT is helping but I can't work more than 4 1/2 hours a day and even with that, I work two days in a row and day three is a toss up. Today I had to stay home.
It is that part that has me nervous. Seriously nervous. I know I'm not supposed to worry and I go straight to praying the moment I realize my thoughts have strayed into worrying but the thoughts swirl around over & over again. See - Aaron was laid off at the end of March, 2010. He was back to work June 1, 2010 but his paycheck has been consistently $300 less than it was before. That's $600 a month. That's a significant sum.
We cut back, cut out, got a bit wiser in our grocery shopping but even still - $600 a month for over a year is a lot of income lost. Now, my fear is I won't be able to go back to work full time and will have to take a pay cut equivalent to 3.5 hours a day. Maybe more if my boss were to decide that's not sufficient.
There is no point in worrying. I know that. Until something specific happens, I have no reason to wonder, worry or think the negative thoughts that dance through my head. I also know I have amazing blessings to count and focus my thoughts on, turning away from those fears that seem to grip me more and more lately. As this problem drags on, I start to think about what it might mean if my back won't heal beyond where it is right now.
It is that list of blessings - I do have SO very many - that keeps me going each day. I keep thinking on those things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy... At least I keep trying.