On May 15th it will have been three years since she went home. It's interesting. I know exactly where she is but I still refer to it as "losing" my mother and in the three years since she died, I've tried to figure out just what "losing her" is. Yes, my mother's body died and she is no longer visible here on earth but I know when that happened the true her, the spirit of her, went to be with Jesus and when He returns, she will have a new body and I will know her better than I ever knew her before.
On days like tomorrow I feel my loss in such an acute way that it's a physical pain. My heart feels like it's being rended in two, from top to bottom and at some point it's going to rupture. It takes my breath away, stops me in my tracks - literally. I'm not talking about this in some sort of figurative way - it's physical, the pain of great loss.
And that's the loss. That part of you that was a part of them. That part of you who relied on them for an ear, advice, a hug... It can't be, you can't make a phone call and connect and it's a wound. An open wound that tries to scar but... another anniversary, a smell, another memory - something... SOMETHING rips it open again.
I know I'm not the only one who will struggle tomorrow. I know I'm not the only one whose world seems to stop on birthdays, Mother's Day (or Father's Day), other important days...holidays. The truth is - and this is where I hope I don't sound like a cliche - I will spend tomorrow praying through the day. I will pray for comfort and grace from God (more grace...after all He's already given...) and the ability to smile and enjoy the new memories. To be reminded that this is the way of life, that it is hard but He is Sovereign and none of this is too hard for Him. That He will carry me - and anyone who is hurting and asks - right on through it. Again. Because as great as our loss is, His love for us is greater. There will be a reunion. This ache, this pain, the tears - they will end. He will end it in His time.
And so I trust. I hurt, yes. I cry, oh yes - a LOT, usually tears that seem as if they'll never stop. I'll wish for the day to end, the commercials to stop, yes. But I trust. Ultimately I trust. I trust that God knows exactly what He is doing. That He works ALL things to the good of those who love Him - even when that "good" doesn't feel good (in human terms). He loves us more than I can ever describe here.
So...there I will rest tomorrow. At least as much as I possibly can. And for all of you who are without your mother tomorrow, I pray He comforts you, too - in ways that surprise and overwhelm you.
Be blessed this Mother's Day. God be with you.
